Do You Really Want to Bring Your Whole Self to work?

Over the past few years, the idea of ‘bring your whole self to work’ has been growing in popularity for many organisations.  You are encouraged to bring all the ingredients of who you are into your work - your interests, relationships, passions, emotions - your reality, not just your skills. In essence, it is an attempt to extend a warm welcome to the real you. However, it requires each individual to be vulnerable and have the courage to take relationships to a deeper level.

We know that interpersonal skills are important but if we don’t know the person, it’s more difficult to build healthy relationships with our co-workers.  In order to bring my best game, I need to know I can trust my colleagues to not judge me or my ideas, especially when I have difficult things to say.

The People Belief recognises that human beings are interdependent and capable of building trust; and mutual trust is a foundation for self-organisation and the pursuit of high-performance.  The kind of trust required by the People Belief is deeper than the transactional notion of trusting someone to do their job.  

Authenticity

As humans, we seek authenticity in others in order to build trust in a person; trust is a prerequisite for openness to learn and grow together, sharing in our successes and failures.  This kind of trust comes from knowing our team mates as people, not just resources that perform a role.

Au·​then·​tic : worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact

There was a time, not so long ago, when the workplace mantra was ‘Leave your personal life at the door!’  However, even where this stance persists, it is impossible for people to comply because our personal life is part of who we are, and part of who we are when we show up at work.  If we “get out of bed on the wrong side” it is likely that our ill mood will impact our interactions at work - at least for the first part of the day.

It doesn’t mean sharing all our intimate details, but allowing each person to be an honest version of themselves at work.

When the conditions allow this, people can grow empathy for each other and develop stronger relationships with a better understanding of each others’ abilities.  This is likely to foster acceptance and build trust between colleagues leading to a more healthy work environment.  We also know that trust is the foundation for teams to move towards high levels of performance.

I whole-heartedly support the spirit behind the idea of ‘bring your whole self to work’, but find myself asking the question who is the real you?  Most of us want to exercise choice over how much of ourselves we wish to share in any given situation.  The workplace is one of those situations. 

Individuals are people not machines, and for our well-being, it is vital that we have a level of agency to choose how we turn up.  Whilst on one hand, we should not be prevented from bringing important aspects of our life, neither should we be required to bring all aspects of our life.  We cannot be true to ourselves, if how we show up is dictated to us. If we are not being true to ourselves, we cannot be authentic in our interactions with other people.

Here’s the problem. What started as a genuine attempt to counterweight any implied or explicit discrimination in the workplace, has too often been mindlessly interpreted as an instruction.  This ends up being no more authentic than leaving yourself at home.

It’s a question of equality over equity.  Equality is treating each individual the same way regardless of their individuality. Equity recognizes that each person has different circumstances and treats them differently.  Well-meaning enthusiasm for expressing your individuality can be as uncomfortable for some as it is liberating for others.  So, it’s really important to avoid projecting our personal preferences onto others, and to respect other people’s choices.

Healthy Interactions

We may want to share more about certain aspects of our lives than others.  Some events in our personal life may mean we want to share with our colleagues, other events less so.  In my experience the degree of separation between work-life and private life varies considerably from one person to another.

In one of my teams, I had colleagues who wished to share details of their personal life and I respected them for their candour and openness.  One colleague had a family member who needed additional support which would occasionally interrupt work - as a team, knowing this background helped us support our colleague.  I also had colleagues who wished to keep some areas of their life private, and I respected their wishes.  By being honest with each other, we were able to create a culture where it was okay to share what you were willing to share. This honesty about what we were willing to share contributed to the empathy and trust that was built within the team.

The Golden Rule says that we should treat others as we would like to be treated - it is expressed in various forms in the tenets of most world religions and forms a basis for most healthy societies.  A better expression of this sentiment would be to treat others as they would like to be treated.  Wouldn’t we all prefer to be treated in a way that suits us and brings out the best in us?  Yet, how often do we treat other people in the way that suits us best, rather than really adapting to their needs. As a result, we often fail to release the full potential in others when we simply project our preferences onto them.

Whether you are trying to get the best out of another person or seeking to help them be the best they can be, start by putting yourself in their shoes and in their mindset; then ask yourself how would this person want to be treated? It means we need to get to know the other person, empathise with their situation and avoid judging them.

Unconditional positive regard is not about liking a person or accepting everything they have done; it’s about respecting them as a human being with their own free will and operating under the assumption that they are doing the best they can.

We cannot change others but we can take steps to change ourselves and model healthy behaviours for others.  It takes courage to share your personal life, because you have to become vulnerable to some degree.  If you are willing and able to go first, you may open the door for others to follow, but make it an invitation not an obligation. We should not push our preference on others. Allow them to share what they are willing to share.  Relationships are a journey of building trust.

Bring the person you can be

Within appropriate boundaries, each individual must have prerogative over how much of their personal life they wish to share or not share within their workplace relationships; no one should be judged for how much or how little they feel comfortable sharing, within the context of a work environment.  Equally important - not all relationships are the same; it’s likely we will be closer to some individuals, and be more comfortable sharing more openly with them than with other people.  Don’t expect everyone to share everything with you!  And, don’t take it personally.  For those that do open up, be respectful of the confidence placed in you.  Trust is a precious jewel; handle it with care.

Each person contributes to the culture of a group, team, organisation or community.  We should create the conditions that allow people to choose the version of themselves that they want to and can bring to work. Don’t inadvertently expect people to bring their whole self as this may create inauthentic people.  No one should impose their preference on anyone else; we should each choose to display the personality traits we want to. With that right to choose, we must take responsibility for the traits we choose to display and bring our positive ones to work so that we can contribute to a healthy workplace culture.

Being an authentic version of ourselves, appropriate to the context - and allowing others to do the same - leads to better relationships and a better sense of mental well-being. When we’re helping each other to be authentic we all benefit from a more healthy culture.  In my experience, we can spend less time worrying about what others think of us and this leads to higher performance, improved productivity and more fun!

Picture Credit: Natural Colorful Real Eggs On Rustic White Wood by Thomas Baker from NounProject.com